My First Drug Deal

About 2 weeks ago, I was driving home behind a van, when a cop coming fast the opposite way flipped on his lights, whipped around, and pulled me over. Another cop car, Dodge Charger specifically, pulled in fast behind him.

Why were you in such a hurry? (I was going 4 over)

I’m taking medicine home to my pregnant wife.

Where you coming from?

I had a creative team meeting at my church, Wal-Mart for the medicine, then gas station.

Do you have any marijuana in the vehicle? No sir.

Heroin? No sir.

Methamphetamines? No sir.

Firearms? No sir.

Knives or blades? No sir.

An unusual amount of cash? I wish I did [laughter on my part, look of anger on his part] No sir.

Step out of the car.

The whole time, the guy from the other car is dressed like a thug, arm bandaged, looking at me like he wanted to Never Back Down my face.

Lt. Questions goes to check out my record while Cpt. Bandage continues to question me.

Did you exchange anything at the gas station?

I returned a Redbox DVD I had for 2 days and never watched.

Did you talk to anyone?

Someone cut me off when I was about to drive off and I calmly said “No that’s fine just go right ahead.” But I don’t think anyone heard me.

I saw you making a drug deal. I could be wrong, and I’ll admit it if I am, but I’m pretty sure of what I saw.

Upon realizing what I had been accused of, I immediately relaxed because I wasn’t getting a speeding ticket. So I said “wow” and casually put my hands in my khaki pants I had been wearing, along with my polo shirt (my Tupac shirt being worn as an undershirt because of the professional attire restrictions for drug dealing teachers, aka Sarcasm).

Get your hands out of your pockets.

I pulled my hands out of my pockets quickly because he said it like a big meanie head, then I slowly lifted them in the air in a “don’t shoot” stance.

Put your hands down.

Dude, you can search my pockets. I don’t have any drugs. Boom, searched.

I knew confidently from the Jay-Z song “99 Problems” that he could not search my vehicle without a warrant. But, being confident in a “never have done drugs in my life and actually came in first in a D.A.R.E. essay contest in 5th grade kinda way” I said Man, you can search my car. Boom, he sprinted like Carl Lewis to that thing.

During the raid, another cop resembling Matlock pulled up (while one of my students drove by and saw me in my state of judiciary interrogation), and him and Sgt Questions started questioning me some more, they finally loosened up after I’d played my entire hand: sick pregnant wife card, Church meeting card, math teacher card, master’s degree card, and extremely calm card. That’s a full house of freedom if you were unaware.

Finally, Lt. Bandage had exhausted his search through my book & sweatshirt and said I was clean, that he was an undercover narcotics officer and he thought I was making a drug deal while returning Legion to my friendly nearby Redbox.

As sort of my final yet extremely subtle, “you got the wrong guy so carefully insert this in your mouth as well kinda way”, I told Bandage You didn’t search the back, wanna check it out.

Yeah. Then he got the opportunity to see a bucket full of frisbees and a pair of cleats.

Sgt Question: Frisbees from a Church activity? In an almost mocking tone to his comrade.

Me: Yes a while back, most recently we used them in my Geometry class to throw and then calculate the mean, median, mode and analyze the data.

So I left the little experience by shaking their hands and receiving my warning ticket for going 59 in a 55.

Anyone else got any fun cop/jail/frisbee encounters?