SCL: Taking Church Softball way too Seriously

(There is this contest where you can get a chance to write a post for Jon Acuff’s StuffChristiansLike.net. Which is essentially kind-hearted satire on Christian culture and the some of the things we find ourselves doing as Followers of Jesus. Here is an entry of mine. His are obviously much better, like, the Brittany Spears to my Cris Crocker.  Muy excellente.)

While the eloquent and articulate Sir Acuff has gently touched this topic, through my personal experience with such Church Softball Elites, it deemed itself worthy of further discussion.

Many people underestimate the gravity of the beloved Church Softball league. It is not a mere group of brothers in Christ gathering to heartily compete for love of the game and each other. Nay, that $7 trophy is the culmination of a lifetime of athletic ability and competitive sports dwindled down to 3 months of league play, a tournament, and a group picture.

I have personally witnessed cursing matches, in your face arguments, ejections, and formal requests to be punch faces via fist. Most of these anti-Upward players are highly recognizable, not at the church they claim membership (yet are as present as me at a Jonas Brothers concert), but at the group party for the Jersey Shore premiere with their homies.

These walking volcanoes of testosterone are the same guys you’ll hear yelling in the gym when they lift their small houses while wearing their frat shirt and simultaneously screaming at their buddy to “push it” in order to get that last….magical.…lift.

These fellows are easily distinguishable on the field of play, yet, in the essence of an Acuff post, I thought it would be suitable to compose a ranking system to see where one might lie on the scale of Church Softball Superiority. So, print this off and take it to the sports complex near you to give a score someone besides them will care about.

1. Jersey is sleeveless (+ 1 point)
2. They’re in more photos in the trophy case at church than the mission trip bulletin board (+1 point)
3. Barbwire tattoo present (+2 per tattoo)
4. Bible verse tattoo (-2 points)
5. Does pushups to warm up before game (+1 point)
6. Tells teammates to do the same (+2 points)
7. Brings their own ice chest (+1 for preparedness)
8. Doesn’t share because needs his “electrolytes” (+3 points)
9. Yells at himself during game (+1 per voice raise)
10. Yells at other team (+3 per yell)
11. Yells at own team (+5 per yell)
12. Yells at girlfriend for not paying attention (+10 points)
13. Argues about the dimension of the strike zone (+2 points)
14. Gives unrequested advice to anyone within earshot (+1 point)
15. Is the shortstop and/or pitcher (+ 1 point)
16. Is number 23 so he can have “personalized” Nike equipment (+1 per article)
17. Has personalized cleats (+2 points)
18. Doesn’t smile during good-game awkward hand touches (+2 points)
19. Skips good-game awkward hand touches altogether (+5 points)
20. Is asked to pray before the game (-5 points)
21. Has meticulously spiked hair (+2 points)
22. Is a Yankees fan (+5 points)
23. Attends more games in a day than church services in a year (+8 points)
24. Arms are larger than legs (+4 points)
25. Has one or more bats that no one else can use (+3 points)
26. Claims a 4.3 40-yard dash before “knee injury” (+2 points)
27. Knocks over catcher running home (+4 points)
28. Knocks over a random baseman (+6 points)
29. Knocks over teammate in base path (+8 points)
30. Sharpens cleats (+5 points)
31. After last game, tells teammates “See ya next year” (+7 points)
32. Uses the term “quads” at some point (+3 points)
33. Throws bat and/or helmet (+3 points)
34. Talks about high school accomplishments (+YouDon’tStandaChance points)
35. Is on more than one church’s team (+5 per team)

Bonus: Yells “Protect this House” at least once (+4 points)

(I had 36, but we all know ending a list on that number is the express lane to Satan’s Fortress)

Okay, add them up. Remember: If you’re on staff at the church double your final score. If you’re the pastor, then just start praying.

0-15 “You’re a daisy if you do” C’mon man, this ain’t Upward Basketball. You know that if you lose then the Apostle Paul will make fun of you in heaven? It’s true, I had a buddy once. Step up, or step off.

16-40 Friday Night Lights: You’ve gotten a little taste of victory, and it tastes like a rainbow. Keep improving your biceps and start training all year round. This isn’t a game, remember dat.

41-70 The Road to Mordor: I like what I’m seeing. You’re like Frodo, you just gotta find your way. Fill out your Fellowship with some MTV reality shows, the early executions on The Bachelorette, and Simon Cowell quotes. Wouldn’t hurt if you had some trophies and brought them in your bag to the game.

71+ Tool Time: That’s what I’m talking about baby! You’ve got the skills to pay the bills (not the church’s, unless you’ve been tithing mister). Your mother should’ve just named you Johnny Athletic. Grab that championship trophy before it fades into the abyss of the non-Spiritual Church accomplishment case. You’re the best Church Softball player in the league, nay, the planet, and why shouldn’t you be? Competitively, it’s all you got left.