Potter vs. Cullen

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Last night I saw the new trailer for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. If someone held an airsoft gun to my eyeball and made me sum it up in four letters, it would be “awes” and/or “epic.”

Which also led to to think of another trending topic, this Twilight business. Now, hear ye well, if it please ya, I do like Twilight. I’m not just some hater Ghana hate just cause it’s mostly reading for teenage girls (I was reading it 3 years ago, when a 9th grader walking by let me know “that book’s for chicks.” That’s called persecution people).

Unless you’ve been living in a van down by the river for the past couple of years, you’ve probably noticed that some people have become, to squirt mild sauce on it, a little obsessed with this whole business.

I originally thought I would do a little analysis of the movies, pros vs cons, etc. But that wouldn’t be fair I guess. I am a firm believer in deciding for yourself. So go watch them (don’t give up on HP after the first 2, they get much better, and don’t give up on Twilight after the first one, the special effects improve).

Instead, since so many girls are straight up Lady Gaga for Edward Cullen, I thought it would be fun to compare the two leading guys’ dateability. Then I thought I’d be unqualified seeing as how I’m not a girl and the decision is pretty obvious (a guy doesn’t stay single for 119 years for no reason. He’s either an arrogant prat or likes Hayden Christensen).

So, I went a different route. Now, in my professional and correct opinion, the only way to settle something is Michael Scott style, Cage Match.

Edward steps slowly out into the meadow, and glances upward in time to see Harry glide swiftly to the ground on his broomstick and dismount.

“You’re not going to be using that thing are you, seems kinda unfair.”

“Don’t worry princess, I don’t need a broomstick for this.”

Edward went Smallville superspeed and dove after Harry, while a lazy flick of his wand and muttering of Petrificus Totalus caused ol Eddie to lock up like a slap bracelet and finish the rest of his dive on his face with that ignorant kitty cat nostril flare digging into the dirt.

While waiting on the spell to wear off, Harry had some tea. Lightly Sweetened.

Ed jumps up, “Alright, that’s how you wanna play this” and takes off his shirt (a requirement for anything Twilight) in an act of intimidation.

“Do you have glitter on?”

“No”

“HA. Yes, you do. That’s pretty, mate. Did you just come from arts & crafts time there Miss Swan?”

Edward makes to attack, and Harry just did a nonverbal and put him in slow motion.

As Harry is mounting his broom cause he’s bored with this little foray, Bella comes out, while tripping several times, and tells Harry she loves him.

“No thanks chick, you’re kinda whiney for my taste. Plus, you ever heard of a tanning bed?

Take it easy, Cedric.”

The End.

“Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity, Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend.” -Andrew Futral