When I’m President

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I was thinking today of all the things I’m going to do when I become President. I was going to put it in a song, but I remembered that when I was 7, and a musical prodigy, Dave Grohl found that flippin lamp and stole my ability. You know people, genies don’t just create that crap, they take it from somewhere. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. -Snatch

So, without further adieudieu, here would be my first actions as the American President of the United States of America.

1. I would banish mosquitoes from the Americas

2. America’s national anthem would be changed to When Doves Cry by Prince.

3. Jackie Chan is my new Secretary of Defense.

4. Quidditch is now a the national sport.

5. Professional athlete salaries would be interchanged with teacher’s salaries.

6. All of my secret service will dress like Neo from The Matrix

7. My cabinet will be referred to as The Order of the Phoenix

8. Rob Bell would write

all

my

speeches.

9.  The Arkansas Razorbacks would become a professional team.

10. I’d tell Tupac it’s okay to come out.

11.  I’d decare war on Hayden Christensen.

12. We’d redo the aforementioned’s part in Star Wars Ep II & III, without all the whining, to be played by Will Smith.

13. Overzealous Twilight fans will have to trail of tears to Canada, along with their awkward and inappreciative stars.

14.  JK Rowling will be forced to continue Harry Potter either by telling stories of when James & Sirius were in school or Harry & Ron’s kids’ adventures.

15.  All news stories will be auto-tuned.

16.  Eminem will have to cheer up.

17.  We will remake Jumper, again with Will Smith.

18. In addition to core classes, all students will be required to take Kindness 101  and Txtng An’t Reel Wrds classes.

19. Free Sonic sweet tea Sundays.

20. Everyone’s off in the Summer.

21. Ari Gold will become my new ambassador to China.

22. Ultimate Frisbee tournaments will now decide future Presidential Candidates.

23. June 15^th is now officially Lord of the Rings Marathon Day.

24. High 5’s are now required after every purchase instead of sales tax.

25. Replace interstates with canals and everyone rides jet skis everywhere.

Got anything better?