Crap Superpowers

January 25, 2011 in superhero with 14 Comments

A few years ago I was reading my brother’s X-Men book (no, you’re a dork) and I ran across a character that was in around one episode, give or take, that had the “ability” to speak 5 different languages. Seriously? That’s not a superpower, that’s called being Chinese.

I’ve been contemplating this in my head for 30 minutes every day since then, and have finally decided to write a less than mediocre post about it. Here are some other superpowers that I think would be pretty drove (I heard from reliable authority that this is the new word for stupid among younglings today, so use with caution and superiority).

X-Ray Vision: If you are married, this is the worst superpower you could ever receive. What’re you looking at that wall so intently for? I know for a fact that that is the women’s college volleyball locker room on the other side. YOU”RE FIRED! Obviously, in this scenario, you’re married to Donald Trump and he possesses above average architectural spacing abilities.

Seriously though, what advantage could this have besides getting in trouble with your lady, being a skeezebucket, or becoming a glorified security camera?

Glow-in-the-Dark: Is this a real power? Yes, it’s called super-Caucasian, and it’s good for nothing. All the benefits of sneaking around at night are gone. Wanna play hide-n-go-seek in the dark? Ha, got you. You can’t hide from anyone.

Tim: Hey, let’s go rob some rich people and give the money to the poor.

GlowBoy: That sounds like a noble and Disney worthy thing. I’m in.

Tim: Umm, yeah, our minivan is full.

GB: It’s just you.

Tim: Yeah, there’s a lot of equipment and…books and….stuff…and you are like a walking techno club…and stuff…so…

GB: Fine, I’ll just go back to my dorm room and keep my roommate up all night.

Tim: Why are you wearing tights?

Spiderman, in Arkansas: Honestly think about what makes Spiderman able to be so effective…he gets there quick and has built in Gak shooters in his wrists. How can he travel in Arkansas? Hey, cool, more fields. He could stick to a Wal-Mart and a Hobby Lobby and travel about 30 feet, then start running again. Just like with being a successful weirdo who wants to look cool at high school reunions, he’d have to move to a big city.

Are there any more crap superpowers I forgot?

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  • http://jaredaclifton.wordpress.com Jared Clifton

    Super-screaming or whatever. It’s like “Wow. You’re able to do what all those Swedish metal bands can do. Nice work.”

    • http://www.tylertarver.com Tyler

      How dare you talk about the Olympics like that.

  • http://1sttime0ffender.wordpress.com 1sttime0ffender

    I think those few people whose super powers are being able to absorb other super powers are just lazy. I am looking at you guy that was in Rocky Balboa and then in Heroes.

    • http://educlaytion.wordpress.com educlaytion

      I know who you mean! Funny. How about Nightcrawler? He’s blue with a long tail. Other than that he knows karate. Hefty Smurf is almost as good as that.

    • http://www.tylertarver.com Tyler

      The name Nightcrawler itself leaves him open to belong on a special list of people to keep away from children. I thought he still showed more humanity than Hayden C. in Jumper, his first cousin.

      And also, I think it’s Milo Ventamuhdatedthatshortawkwardlookingchickforawhile, or something similar.

  • http://davidtrobbins.wordpress.com David Robbins

    I like apples.

    • http://www.tylertarver.com Tyler

      How do you like them?

      • http://davidtrobbins.wordpress.com David Robbins

        i like them so hard.

  • http://cjsmiller.blogspot.com chris

    What about the crap superhero, Captain Wait and See, whose power is waiting to see what happens. He never really does anything.

    • http://www.tylertarver.com Tyler

      Sounds like my uncle Larry, he goes to the park a lot.

  • http://robshep.com Rob Shepherd

    I wish I had something witty to say, but I don’t. I love super heroes and I thought this was really funny.

  • http://bradshimomura.wordpress.com bradshimomura

    Since someone else brought up Heroes: I think Molly had the crappiest superpower of them all. She could think about someone and find their exact location. Lame…

  • Jonathan

    Hypnotic Crooning

  • http://www.jlkjkqwehfjhg.com Dale Zaibel

    There is apparently a bunch to identify about this. I believe you made some nice points in features also.