How to pick up all the ladies

I know what you’re thinking, and yes, you’re reading this sentence. But you were just thinking, How can I get all the ladies? Well, you’re in luck cause that’s what the heading is for this post so I have to tell you.

Who am I to give advice on getting women? I mean, I’m no woman, the closest I’ve ever come to being one is when this guy started getting mad and I was all like Whoa, man. But I did meet this one chick one time, and we got married, in that order, so I got that going for me. Also, back in the day, which was then, I got a girl’s number. Yeah, it’s true like not a dare. It was 7. She played soccer.

Let’s get down to business like a tie on the floor. Here’s how you can get women. For all my lady readers, to get any guy ever, just reverse everything I’m saying.

Get a Fly Ride: Get a hybrid so she’ll know you’re environmentally conscious? Psh, yeah right, that’s all kinds of stupid. Get a Benley so you can roll in luxury and show her you’re super rich and she can go shopping? Stupid, you ain’t Jay-Z or any other combination of letters of the alphabet. How you gonna have money when you buy a Bentley? They cost like 40 acres and your daughter’s hand in marriage. Women don’t care about clothes anyways, they just want to dance. So what’s better than having a nice ride? Have 2 rides! Get 2 cars and the ladies will be all up ons. But how do I drive 2 cars at once? Let me take your hand and guide you to water, just use the cruise control and get a stick. You can just reach out the window with the stick and steer while you’re in the other car. I feel like it’s so simple you should already know this.

Be Tall: That way, when the big game’s on you can see over the couch and tell her more clearly to get you some eggs or biscuits or ham. Girls love getting food for you while you watch athletic people. She might not know you’re there if you’re 2short like a crappy rapper name. How do I get taller? Easy Febrezy beautiful cover girl, just get better parents.

Say Nice Things: It can get repetitive.

You’re so nice.

You’re so pretty.

You’re so there.

You’re such a person.

You like grapes but don’t eat them weird.

You like Brad Pitt just the right amount.

But Tylerta, how do I solve this unsolvable problem and how much does it cost? It’s free for a billion dollars cause it’s easy dunder-mifflin, you break out that TalkBoy you got after Home Alone 2 and you record them. That way, you save your voice for when the Black Eyed Peas come on the radio, cause you know that’s yo jam. Strawberry jam that is. HAHAHAHAHA!!! LOOK AT ALL THE FUN WE”RE HAVING AND I WONDER WHAT MY SCREAMING VOICE SOUNDS LIKE IN YOUR HEAD RIGHT NOW!!

Get an Accent: Not over an n like a high school señior, you silly hillbilly. Look at me. No, seriously, come here and look at me I think I have something in my teeth. Now listen to me talk right now. I have a very thick New York accent and ladies always ask me if I play for the Yankees and that lets me know not to date them cause they’re reality show stupid because obviously I look like I haven’t worked out anything except high school math problems as of ever. So just talk funny, chicks love it like they love hearts with arrows, but not Indian arrows cause mom said I can’t.

In the comments, how much is this 4 million dollar information worth to you cause it’s gonna cost ya or what else gets all the ladies?