Dear Jay-Z from Ben-C

Today’s Guest Post was written by none other than the elegant and euphoria inducing Ben Crosthwaite. In the words of a liposuction doctor: take it away Ben..

(First off, thank you Tyler for letting me do this. I’ve wanted to get this off my hairless, but nevertheless attractive when visible chest for awhile now. I’m so glad that I can be 100% sure that Jay is actually going to read this with his own eyes. Thanks for letting me vacation in your magical land where pink ponies poop strawberry ice cream and every letter gets read by the celebrity it’s intended for.)

Dear Jay-Z,

Hey. Were you at the Olive Garden in my area about a month ago? I swear I saw you.

Anyways, how’s life? How’s Beyonce doing? Does she dance all weird like all the time? Do you like her new song? I don’t, but that’s just me. Is it true she’s having an affair with Pat Robertson? I don’t know. Don’t get mad. You’re probably right like I’m handed. I should know better than to listen to T-Pain. He’s probably wrong about the whole Michael McDonald being a woman thing, too. You just can’t trust anyone these days. I’m going to delete all his songs off my iPod. Actually, I don’t own any of his music because it sounds like Roseanne Barr singing a No Doubt song while riding a fork down a garbage disposal inside a Chuck E. Cheese filled with screaming kids that are scared because the building’s on fire and Chuck E. just killed a man with an ice pick.

I really like your song “99 Problems”. I only listen to the clean version because of your dirty mouth, but dang, you’re beats are hotter than Barbara Walters in a bikini. Bad example?

What’s your favorite Thai restaurant?

Did you like Toy Story 2?

You like own part of the New Jersey Nets right? Is that fun? I bet not. I don’t really like lacrosse that much, but I heard playing helps improve kidney health. How are your kidneys? Good I hope. Mine are slightly above average according to my dentist.

You’re pretty close to Oprah, huh? Do you guys hang out a lot? You’re both black right? I never watched her show much, but one time she had someone on that seemed interesting. I didn’t get to watch it though because I didn’t have DVR yet and I had previous plans to do something with someone somewhere for some reason the sum of 2 + 3 is 5.

How are you and Beyo doing anyways? Is it ok if I call her that? What does she call you? Jay-z? Jay? Shawn? That rapper that’s married to Beyonce? You stabbed a guy one time right? I stabbed someone with a pool noodle once. My mom made me sit in the corner.

Anywhoslineisitanyways, I hope you’re doing well. You’re like the coolest. For realz. I added the z to the end of that word for effect. I know that’s not how you spell it. I averaged an 86% in English in 7th grade.

Please write me back this time.

Your pal,

Ben.