Why doesn’t America like Soccer?

October 25, 2011 in sports with 8 Comments

Sports Sports Sports. Everybody loves their sports. That’s why ESPN can get away with showing the same clips on SportsCenter and dudes galore will still sit there like all their limbs are broken and watch with unblinking eyes and partially slack jaws.

But Soccer. Oh soccer.

How can one sport be loved by so many other countries so much they’ll prison shank old people with the wrong color shirts, but still Americans reply…meh.

I personally like soccer.

I like playing it, and when I’m eating at a Mexican type Restaurant, I like watching it when the conversation is boring and my iPhone’s about to die. Jk (Jose Knight, famous Mexican Restaurant chef and iPhone enthusiast).

Here are the reasons America doesn’t really care about soccer all that much except for people who want to be different or people who actually like it or me or you or no one.

Too Poor: Put down your Righteous Stick for a sec and hear me out. Other countries play it cause all you need is a spherical object. We like to go buy crap for sports. Have the best or whatever. If you can’t be the best, might as well Under Armour up and have enough sweatbands on you to hide 3 pounds of steriods and/or the track marks.

Not Enough Points: We Americans need results. That’s why people like offenses that pass all the time. Go big or go home. When you gotta wait 45 minutes for someone to take a shot, you’re essentially hunting deer, which is freaking boring. Americans are too dumb/impatient to see the strategy. I mean, we have reality shows, so…as a country…we’re not brilliant.

Tie Games: This area I can agree with. You know who likes ties? Businessmen with suits and 1st graders who just learned how. But when it comes to athletics, we like to know who is good and who sucks. That way we can humiliate. It’s a deep and selfish human emotion, and if you rearrange and change the letter to “America”, it spells “selfish”.

Minimal Contact: No one’s getting the crap knocked out of them. You have all these people who are in excellent shape, and no one is getting life long injuries. What’s that? Seriously, maximum contact sports aren’t just American, they’re human. Think of Gladiators, freakin hitting people with swords and fists and spit? Yes, please. Otherwise, you’re dancing.

Solution: Institute a 30 second period every quarter where you release tigers in the stadium and toss out 4 handguns. People will be bending it like Beckham. 

Why else do you think Americans don’t care for Soccer, I mean Futbol?

 

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  • Anonymous

    I’m with you on tie games. I was madder at baseball when the All-Star game ended in a tie than I was when the players went on strike in ’94.

    My two biggest reasons for not liking soccer are these:
    1) For all that the world’s soccer players and fans talk about “the beautiful game” and how much they respect the beauty and athleticism of it, they still cheat every chance they get. Players fall down and flop around like fish out of water in order to get a foul called when no foul was committed. I’m not saying players in other sports don’t do this, too, but soccer has made an institution out of it.

    2) From everything I’ve seen (and I pretty much only watch the World Cup every 4 years…) it is impossible for Americans to get a fair shake in an international soccer game. I don’t think we’ll ever win a World Cup, not because we’re incapable of someday putting together a good enough team, but because no referee in the world will call a fair game against us.

  • http://www.arnyslight.wordpress.com Arnyslight

    I think Americans Secretly like soccer, achem…futbol!…But because of this whole illigal imagration anti latin mexican vibe is out there…

    americans are just Closet soccer lovers! lol…

    or it could be that…we love our testicles to much and we don’t want to be smashed in the groin with big Foot or a ball for that matter…YIKES!

  • http://www.BadlyDrawnBible.com Jared Hollier

    I think it doesn’t help that soccer fans are snobs. “Blah blah blah the sophistication of the game. Blah blah blah you don’t get it.” I get it. They’re kicking a ball. Shut up and finish your Zima.

    • Snowangel7980

      Just like football, basketball, any sport we do have strategy. We might not have a play book, but when teams practice and play games, they are expected to know ther teams personal way of playing. And it’s not just the quarterback throwing a ball to whoever has to be open. You actually have to think. In this game, everyone’s a play maker, everyone’s a quarterback. You can’t get awy with tackling someone like Lawrence Taylor and end up succeeded in soccer. Lastly to end my rant, I bet soccer players are in way better shape than other sports players because in pros, your only allowed three substitutions in a game. That means that 8 players will stay on the field and run or sprint for forty five minutes, then do it again the second half. Soccers the best sport there is, that’s why it’s the most popular one in the world.

  • http://www.robshep.com Rob Shepherd

    We didn’t invent it. Nuff said.

  • http://twitter.com/ClayMorganPA Clay Morgan

    Because we have football. Before that, we had baseball. And I should throw basketball in there too even though I haven’t liked the league for a decade plus. If our best athletes were playing soccer instead of all the more awesome sports we would never lose a game in international play.

  • Ricky Anderson

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